A December Update

We had a good December, much less eventful than November.  My husband's parents came for a visit at the beginning of the month and helped us so much around the house and in the yard.  They raked and moved more than 50 bags of leaves.  Something fun for me to look forward to for next year :).  It was such a treat to get to see them and spend time with them.  My mom is still here helping me.  I can not say enough how essential my mom has been to the health and well being of these babies, as well as me.  I am incredibly thankful to both her and my dad for the sacrifice and love they are showing us through their actions. 

Reports from the doctor and various tests have been very positive.  I don't have to go back and see him until the 3rd of January, that is in 2011!!!  I feel my goal of having these babies have a 2011 birthday getting ever closer.  At the next appointment I will have another ultrasound to measure the babies and also get my glucose test done.  Fingers crossed I don't have to deal with gestational diabetes too.  I continue to stay on complete bed rest and anticipate that will be the same for a while.  The babies move around a lot.  I can now see their movements on my belly, and usually I can tell which baby it is.  Baby A gets hiccups at least twice a day.

The reality of their arrival is beginning to loom in the near future.  We really could have these babies at any time.  It is scary for me to think about labor and delivery, and then how we will handle everything that will come after that.  We have started to do more research into feeding and sleeping and car seats, and have found many different ways of doing things.  It is pretty overwhelming because we really have no idea what is going to work best.  I guess in the end we will pick what we think will, and then just try it out.  Names are another topic we talk about occasionally, but have not really even narrowed down a list yet.  We are slowly making progress on getting ready for the babies while acknowledging that this is really difficult and complicated.  Hopefully we have a few more weeks to continue working on this.

One of the things that I have been doing while in bed is various crafts.  For Christmas I made my daughters stuffed rabbits out of socks.  They were very easy to make and I am hoping they will be able to go with them while they are in the NICU, if that is the case.  It was really fun to be able to make something specifically for each of them and helped me to feel like I was contributing to the preparation of their arrival.  Here is a picture.

I was also able to have my mom take a picture of my ever expanding self in a rare occasion that I was up and dressed.  Here is 28 weeks with twins.



A quiet, flat thanksgiving, a huge milestone, healthy babies, steroids, and a very tired mamma

Well, my lack of posting, thankfully, is not due to any drama or complications, but the extreme tiredness that seems to have hit me in the last week or so.  It is a physical, spiritual, and mental tiredness that I have heard come with the territory of being completely bed ridden and pregnant with two active little girls. 

We had a great Thanksgiving.  It was quiet and I enjoyed the meal on my side, but it was so tasty.  There is something about the idea of a day completely focused on being thankful that I really like.  It helps to remind me that I need to work on being thankful every day.  And really, I have so much to be thankful for this year.  That weekend my husband went and got me a three foot "table" tree that we now have on a desk in the room I stay in, and with lights and ornaments, it is very festive in here.  I have found that having something living and green to look at really helps.

That Sunday after Thanksgiving marked the beginning of week 24.  It was so great to get to that milestone.  A really huge deal that we celebrated with pizza hut pizza!  It had been what we were focused on and was so crucial to get to.  I definitely have felt some relief for getting past that point, although it is funny, because we were so focused on getting there, that now we are already in week 25, it is strange to have my goals change.  Actually having these babies is becoming more and more real. 

This last week was a surprisingly busy week for me.  We had a doctors appointment on Tuesday and got to see the babies.  It had been about six weeks since we had last had one on them, and they had gotten so much bigger!  They are both weighing right at about one and a half pounds.  They are very active and seem healthy.  That is such a relief.  Then on Wednesday and Thursday I had to go into the hospital for a couple of hours each day to get some testing done.  My doctor also decided to give me steroids, just in case the girls decide they want to make a super early entrance, but we are all really hopeful that they will stay put for a long time.

On Friday my husbands parents made the journey down to spend some time with us and help out.  I am so thankful for the support of our parents.  It has really made this experience easier.  I continue to pass the time with the food network, books, puzzles, crocheting, phone calls, internet searching (it is getting time, I think, to start looking into various baby things we might need), and emailing.

I am now off to a doctors appointment and plan to thoroughly enjoy the fresh air, different views, and chance to wear real clothes.  Have a wonderful week! 

I never thought that...

I would be so thankful for a couple of pieces of nylon thread.  I am still pregnant, and we are closing in on the 24 week milestone.  Only five days till we get there.  At my doctors appointment today ultrasound confirmed that the stitches are holding, the only things, holding the babies in.  But the positive is that they are holding and we are making it.  While the days and nights are long, I hold on to hope and am relying on my faith.  I keep encouraged by the people who are supporting us in incredible ways. 

That is how things are right now.  As the weeks go on I hope that things will just get better and better.

Things are the same

We had a good report from the doctor yesterday.  Things look the same, so I continue to be confined to bed and anxiously wait for the weeks to pass.  I guess it is good that I don't have more to report.  Babies continue to be healthy, do well, and move around a lot.  I head back to the doctor on Friday.  Everyday that we get through is another one behind us.  Thank you for all of the prayers and support.  I will keep you posted.

UGGH!

I wasn't sure what to name this post.  Some ideas included "Things are not good, but they are not horrible either" "We are hanging on by a thread" and "How will we make through the next couple of weeks?"  I settled on uggh because that is just how I am feeling right now. 

Needless to say, things are not going great.  Last Sunday I started having regular contractions, so away to the ER we went.  I spend over 24 hours on some heavy duty medicine that stopped my contractions.  We stayed in the hospital until Thursday morning.  I am now on medicine that I can take at home to keep the contractions from starting again.  I was feeling hopeful as we left because they had gotten everything under control.

That was until my doctors appointment on Friday where we found out that I had lost about a centimeter of cervix in 5 days.  My doctor feels that the contractions where due to the cervix opening.  The good news in all of this is that it is holding closed below the stitches and that as of right now I am still pregnant.  I am at 22 weeks, so I have never been this pregnant before.  The doctor sent me home on strict, do not get up except for 10 minute shower sitting down bed rest.  I will leave it to your imagination on how we are managing other things.  These next two weeks are the most crucial.  We have to make it to 24 weeks, so hopefully we can keep this up with a lot of success these next two weeks.  I have another appointment tomorrow, and we are going to find out how things have gone this weekend.

I don't usually feel comfortable asking others to pray for me, but we are in some desperate need of prayer.  So if you could, that would such a comfort and so appreciated.

On a lighter note, here is a picture my husband took from his blackberry of how things are now that I am on strict bed rest.  It usually involves cat helpers.

I've Been Restricted!

The time has come for less activity and more resting.  The doctor has seen a little bit of change, and so to be proactive, my modified bed rest has turned into complete bed rest.  I really didn't know how good I had it until now.  Thankfully my mother is here and taking very good care of me.  She is also good about making sure that I am sticking to the guidelines and not doing to much.  This next month is the really critical point, and after that I am hoping that I will be able to do more.

18 Weeks!

It is hard to believe but we have already reached the 18 week mark.  I had an appointment with my specialist this week.  We got to see a lot of both babies.  The doctor had lots of positive things to say and doesn't need to see me again unless my regular doctor thinks I need to.  Every day with these babies is such a blessing.  While my anxiety has been rearing its ugly head lately, I also am so thankful to be at this point too. 

Here are some profile pictures of the girls.  Oh wait, I didn't tell you?  We are having two GIRLS again.

                                                    Baby A

                                              Baby B

 The resolution on the scanned pictures are not that good, but you can see the sweet noses and outline of their profiles.  I plan to write more about my thoughts on having two more girls and how I am doing in general, but I wanted to make sure to share these pictures with you.  And now I will leave you with a picture of me at 18 weeks. 

It's been over two weeks?

I can't believe that it has been that long since I have been on "bed rest" and since I have blogged.  Time is a funny thing, it can slip away quickly while feeling like it takes forever.  These last two weeks have been a combination of busy and quiet, and I have worked on several issues.

I put bed rest in quotations because I am really on more of a modified bed rest.  I don't have to be completely flat on my back all of the time.  My doctor wants me to rest as much as possible, but I can still get up to use the bathroom, shower, eat, and even sit at the computer for a little while.  He has stressed that in the coming weeks there is a large chance that I will get more restrictions, but so far I am making this work pretty well.  I have come up with a schedule for my day.  It goes something like this:

• Wake up with husband and eat breakfast
• Watch morning TV (including GMA, and Live)
• Do some work from home on computer
• Eat lunch with husband
• Take afternoon nap
• Read or work on some sort of craft
• Eat dinner with husband
• Watch prime time TV with husband and then go to bed

That is really how my days have been.  I think that partly why I have not blogged is because I feel like I really have nothing to share.  The days kind of blur together.  I have been working through a lot of anxiety and learning to have my needs heard in a healthy manner.  I have started going to the doctor twice a week.  I realized that after about four or five days I started to really panic about things not being ok.  After some thinking about this, it was clear that this was related to the fact that I was at the doctor's office on Wednesday and then delivered our daughters that Saturday.  The fact that things changed so quickly is really effecting me now.  Going to the doctor twice a week has really helped to alleviate that some.  I have also found that being more isolated has caused me to draw away a little bit from people, not so good.  I am working on asking for help when I need it, and reaching out to people even though it is hard for me.

Next week I go back to my maternal fetal medicine doctor to get a major scan of the babies so I am hoping to have ultrasound pictures to share.  Also, my inlaws are here helping me since my husband is gone on a business trip.  That has been really lovely so far.  I have been trying to think of ideas for things to blog about, such as books I have read.  If you have any suggestions, I would love to hear them.

A Huge Sigh of Relief

The surgery is done!  I am so glad that this step is behind us.  We still have some rocky patches ahead, but this was a huge deal for me.  Now I know that there are two tight and knotted stitches of material like 30lb fishing line holding my babies in.  I had a doctors appointment today to check everything, and it looks really good.  I feel much more relaxed about things right now.  I know that as time goes on and we approach the time when I delivered my daughters, it will be difficult.  But that is later, and right now I am really working on being in the moment. 

Hope you are having a nice start to the week.

Feeling Loved and Supported from Far Away

I received a package from my mother today that I know was her way of putting love and hugs and good thoughts and prayers into something I can hold.  When I opened I cried and cried, because I truly felt the love that she had pack with it, which was just what I needed to not feel quite so scared about tomorrow.  What she sent was a plaque, or board, that she had painted in 1987 when I was four years old.  We always had it in the kitchen and I have read it time and time again.  It has little encouragements and sayings on it that have always made me feel better, and also I feel really embody how my mom chose to parent me.  Some of them include "I like you just the way you are" "You can trust your feelings to help you know" "You have every right to be here" "You're welcome to come home again" Your needs are ok" "You don't have to hurry."

Thank you mom, for loving me so completely, all the time, without question or concern.  Thank you for raising me in a purposeful and thoughtful manner.  Thankful for being here for me in just the right way, even though you are far away.  My prayer is that I can look to your example to be the very best mother I can to be my own children, and I know that you are an incredible grandmother to all of my children.

I was going to include a picture, but right now I feel like holding on to this just for myself.  I will include one in the future when I feel like it is appropriate.

A Trip to the Vet

I finally took the cats to the vet yesterday.  I have been putting it off for months, but with bed rest looming I literally had no more time.  It actually went really well.  As well as it could with two squirmy cats who dislike traveling, being in strange places, and having things poked into them.  They got all of their shots updated and were declared healthy.  Boo is a little underweight, so I just need to increase their daily amount of food.  Needless to say, it was a big and tiring event for all of us.

                Here they are after the vet visit.  They were so tired and really looked pathetic.

14 Weeks

We have made it 14 weeks.  This is really the first milestone that I have been aiming for in this pregnancy.  We have lots more ahead of this, but thinking about it today, 14 weeks is a long time.  It is over three months.  It is the week I will have my surgery.  I went today and pre-checked in for Friday.  Only three more days and these babies will be stitched in there snug and sound.  That will be such a relief for me.  I leave you with a belly shot.  It has been a month since I shared my last one and you can tell that they are getting bigger in there.

What Four Years Mean

A lot can happen in four years.  That is how long a presidential term is.  Both high school and college last four years.  From birth to four years you go from not being able to do anything for yourself to walking and talking and even tying your shoes.

In the last four years I have experienced a love like I never knew possible and had the privilege to be part of a beautiful marriage that continues to grow in ways that I can not imagine.  We have been through so much together and I am so thankful for the man that is consistently by my side.  I think back to the beautiful day that we said "I Do!" and love to remember the beautiful early fall evening, the happy tears that fell, the joy that was felt by all.  But now it is so much more than that, it is everyday since then wrapped into a feeling of strength that he and I are in this for the long haul, for the forever, and that no matter what we face, we will do so hand in hand, together.

I love you honey, happy anniversary!

One Sign of Fall

Fall is my favorite season of the year.  I love when the air starts to get crisp, the leaves change colors, and there is that special fall smell in the air.  This year I am especially looking forward to it because it has been so hot here.  One special treat that always means fall to me is apples with caramel dip.  In middle and high school I would take it with me in my lunch.  Now I enjoy it as a fairly healthy and tasty snack between meals, as well as a sure sign that fall is on its way!

The Count Down to Bed Rest Truly Begins

I knew it was coming.  I knew since the loss of my last pregnancy when we talked with my doctor about what we could do differently next time.  I knew since my first prenatal appointment with this pregnancy, and again my doctor brought it up.  I have know for weeks.

However, after today's appointment when my doctor set the date for my surgery, and therefore bed rest, it really hit me that I don't have very much time.  Everything is going to happen next Friday!  I have already started making a list of meals that I can make and freeze.  I am also going to be using our local library's online catalog a lot.

Although it is going to be a challenge, I already have lots of support and things to be thankful for.  I have a husband who is already planning how he can be of help and support to me during this time.  Both my mother and my in-laws will be coming in October and November to help while my husband is out of town.  I have a great doctor that is going to check everything at least once a week.  I have already seen the specialist who said that everything looks great right now and we are on course to have a successful pregnancy.  Every day that I am able to make through is another day closer to holding my babies.  I need to hold on to these positive thoughts.

My hope is that I use this blog a lot during that time, and mostly not to complain or whine (although I know I will need to from time to time).  So truly, the countdown and preparation has begun! 

11 Weeks with Muppets

I am now 11 weeks pregnant.  I had another doctors appointment today.  I have been going every two weeks, but from now I will be going about once a week.  I think that will really help with my fears and anxiety.  Just as I start to really let thoughts get out of control, I can go and have the doctor reassure me.

We got to see both babies and hear their strong and fast heart beats.  Even at 11 weeks we could see a distinct profile of one of the babies.  That is so amazing to me.  Everybody is doing well and the doctor was very patient and answered my long list of questions and concerns.  Next week we have an appointment with a maternal/fetal medicine doctor.  I am looking forward to this appointment to get a second opinion on my doctor's treatment plan and hear the specialist's thoughts about everything.  It should be very informational.

I am so thankful that so far that things are going so well and the babies are healthy and growing well.

I will leave this post with something that really made me smile and that I secretly wish I was brave enough to wear.

                               It is a muppet dress!!  :) Picture from here

Looking for Suggestions for Relaxing

I am in a pretty anxious place right now.  I can not seem to get past what happened in my last pregnancy.  I can not imagine actually birthing healthy babies or taking them home from the hospital.  I am so scared about losing these babies too and the fact that I can not control the outcome.  Because of all of this I am very tense and need to find a way to relax and lose this tension.  I have ordered a couple of relaxation CD's from Amazon and am looking forward to trying them.  I will post a review once I have received and tried them.

Covers for the CD's I am going to try.  Images from here.

I am wondering if anyone has any tips or suggestions of things that have worked for you when you are feeling stressed and anxious.  I feel stuck here in these negative thoughts and hope that getting some other ideas will really help. 

Confession... I have been avoiding my blog

It is true, in the last few weeks I have not been diligent about posting here. 

It is not because I am not enjoying blogging, I am.  I like the idea of having an outlet to express myself and share what is going on with me to others.  I also like the connections that I have been making to others who also blog.

It is not because I don't have a lot to write about, I do.  I would like to share about my trip in April to see my parents and go to a wedding in San Francisco, the memorial for my daughters, a disastrous yet fun camping trip, how the settling-in process is going for our house, what projects we would like to do to it, what quilting things that I have been working on lately, a huge decision that my husband and I made last month, and other things that I have floating around in my head.

It is because I have been going through a huge life change and chosen not to write about it on my blog until now. 

I am pregnant.  With twins.  Again.

I think that I have been (and probably still am) in denial about this.  Not that I am unhappy about this or don't want it, but that I still can't quite believe it.  There are so many mixed emotions involved with pregnancy after loss, and it is very overwhelming.  By putting it on my blog, it is helping to make it real.  In sharing this with you, I am acknowledging that this is a huge, important thing that is going on in my life, and I need help and support through this.  I have thought a lot about whether I want to make a separate blog about this pregnancy, but have decided that I think I am just going to put everything onto this blog.  I definitely want to be able to look on the bright side during this and feel like posting about my life, this included, will be a good way to process and de-stress.  I will leave with a photo of me from yesterday before church, 10 weeks pregnant.

I am so thankful for...

my in-laws.  Two weeks ago they drove down from Missouri for a whole week just to help us move.  They helped with everything: packing, loading, driving, cleaning, unloading, and some unpacking.  It was really incredible, and I know things would not have gone nearly as smoothly without them.  The biggest thing that I take away from having them come help us, besides the joy of being in our own home, is the love that they showed us by helping us with this.  Thank you!

Enjoying brownies after our first meal in the new house.

The View from my Kitchen Window

One of the reasons that we chose to purchase this house is the kitchen.  It is fairly big, bright, and has lots of room for all of my kitchen things.  A favorite thing of mine though, is the view from the window above the sink.  It looks out on our brick patio and lots of bright green trees.  It really beats my last view from my kitchen sink at the apartment.  It just looked out onto our dining room.  Having something beautiful to look at really makes doing the dishes more pleasant.

We are in!!

We are finally in our new house!  We moved last week with the help of my husband's parents.

Here is the front.

This is the view from the front door.

These surprise lilies bloomed while we were moving in.

Here is my husband cleaning the cabinets the first night at the new house.

Here is what the kitchen looks like now that we are a little more settled.

And one last picture of the mountain of boxes we have yet to tackle.

It is very exciting to be in the new house, although I have to say that it has taken a little while for the feeling that it is our house to sink in.  I am looking forward to being able to put more things away and make it feel more like our home. 

We are Moving

We closed on our house Friday.  Let's just say that things are super busy and hectic and crazy at our house/apartment right now.  Unfortunately, it doesn't leave much time for blogging.  I have lots of things to write about, and will have a lot more time in about a week.  Please stay tuned.  I promise lots of updates and pictures once we are a little more settled.

Picture from this site

What Do You Say?

What do you say to honor daughters that left too soon?  What do you say to let others know how you are doing?  What do you say to commemorate lives you loved but never knew as people?

Here is what I chose to say at the memorial we had for our twin daughters a couple Saturdays ago.  It was really something I felt like I needed to say and to share with others.  I described it to one friend as like ripping a band-aid off.  Painful but very necessary for healing.

 First I would like to thank you for coming to honor and remember our daughters.  It means so much to use to have you here, and your support has really helped us to get through this hard time.  I can see that our daughters are remembered and loved. 

This has been such a hard thing to go through.  I think one reason it is so difficult is because there are so many dreams, hopes, and expectations that we will never see come to light.  We will never get to tuck them in at night, read them stories, enjoy their jokes, or get to see them become women.  However, through the privilege of being able to care for them for five and a half months, and the time that followed, they have taught me so much that has helped me become a better person and forever changed me. 

They taught me the importance of the relationships that I have with people, and that by sharing and communicating the truth of what I am feeling and the situation, I will have stronger relationships.  I feel like I have been able to connect on a deeper level with people.  My daughters also taught me the importance of choosing to do what is best, not always what is easiest.  It might feel easiest to just pretend this never happened or stay holed up in our apartment not facing the world, but these are not the best or healthiest choices.  I have a strength that I have never known before, and it is because of my daughters. 

They have also shown me the importance of loving and appreciating what is here right now.  We were only able to know them for five and a half months in this world, and I spent a fair amount of that time worried for their safety.  My worrying did not change the outcome, but I could have spent that time just in the moment.  I plan to work on trying to do that more and worry less. 

Finally, they helped me to deepen my faith and relationship with God.  While I will never understand why this happened and always feel sadness and grief towards this loss, I have found myself leaning not on my own strengths, but that of God, and trusting in his plan for me in a way I never have before. 

I really wanted to share with you how my daughters have touched and changed my life in meaningful ways.  While I will never forget and always miss them, I hope that because of my daughters and this experience, I can become a better wife, friend, family member, and mother, and that I will be able to support and encourage others the way I have been by those around me.  Thank you so much again for being here today to honor and remember our daughters.

 I will share more about the memorial in another post.  It was a really meaningful time to spend with family and friends.  I know that it has helped in my healing process.

What Happens to Fruits and Veggies at Our House

Today I found a peach looking like this.

This is not the first time we have found fruits and veggies come victim to tiny teeth.  Others include tomatoes, watermelon, and avocados.

Here is a picture of the sweet looking culprit.

Needless to say, we have to lock up our fruits and veggies to keep them safe.  It reminds me of another favorite children's book, Bunnicula.  Instead of a vampire bunny we have a vegetable loving cat.  Maybe that is how the author got the idea?

Whew!

Well, after an unexpectedly extended vacation, I am finally back and able to blog.  I have so many things to write about, it is almost overwhelming.  In the last week and a half we have had so many experiences, both happy and sad.  To give you a short run down:

• We started our vacation visiting my husband's grandfather in the hospital
• We spent the fourth of July with my husband's family and enjoy some time with his nieces and great fire works
• We went camping and floating with my parents and some very good friends
• We had a rain disaster with our tent flooding
• We had the memorial for our daughters
• My husband's Grandfather passed away so we stayed in Missouri for the visitation and funeral
• I unofficially started my new job today by going and getting books and seeing my classroom

So Whew!  We have been super busy and now I have lots to write about, as well as much catching up to do on others blogs.  Look for many posts coming soon. 

Dear June

Dear June,

            What a month you have been!  You have always been my favorite month of the year, what with being the first month of summer and my birth month, but this month has been filled with many changes and emotions.  I think that I have felt every emotion possible with all of the things that have happened. 

You began with the girls' due date and a reminder of everything I have lost.  Then came my birthday three days later.  That was a sweet day full of love and friendship.  Next came the ups and downs of looking for a house, finding one much sooner than we thought, putting in an offer, and finally the prospect of truly being homeowners.  I also found out that I have the possibility of employment in the fall.  I will write more about this when it is for sure, but just the possibility has brought both excitement for being able to start my career and anxiety of if I am prepared and can actually be successful. 

Throughout this month I have been planning and organizing a memorial for my daughters that we are having in July.  That has been hard, but I feel peace in knowing that it is the right thing to do.  Finally, you are leaving me with much sadness and fear as my husband's grandfather had a stroke yesterday. 

June, as much as I usually like you, I am not sad to see you go this year.  You did bring good things like our house and a possible job opportunity,  but also much sadness, fear, and anxiety.  So, I am not too sad in saying "See you next year June!"

- Ann

Learning a Lesson can be Painful

Monday night I made a really silly mistake.  I am almost too embarrassed to share it here, but I feel like you will be understanding, and that perhaps I can warn others not to make my same mistake. 

I was making a pot roast and found a recipe from the Barefoot Contessa for her Company Pot Roast.  I love her, have made many of her recipes, and was excited to try this one because I knew it would have amazing flavor.  One of the last steps of the recipe was to take the veggies and liquid from the dutch oven and puree it in a blender or food processor to thicken it into a sauce.  I decided to use my blender, loaded it up with the hot liquid, and then hit blend.  Let's just say that the result was explosive.  The lid popped off from the hot steam and sprayed burning hot meat juice and vegetables all over me and my kitchen.  Now I have burns on both of my forearms and am still finding places in my kitchen that got sprayed.  Not to mention the clothes I was wearing are ruined. 

I learned that you must have a way for steam to escape when you are blending something hot and that I should have thought about it long enough to realize that my immersion blender would have been the perfect tool for the situation. 

Will I make this mistake again, I think not.  Will I make this pot roast again, I think not.  It did have great flavor and was moist and tasty, but my painful memories will override the desire to try this one again, I think.  I do want to say that now that it has been a couple of days I find this to be really funny and laugh when I think about what happened.

How My Cats Spend the Day

Here is how I found my cats, and really how they spend their days.  What a tough life they lead!  They are storing up energy for crazy adventures at night while we are trying to sleep.

Blueberries for Ann

Saturday morning my husband and I got up bright and early and headed out of the house to pick blueberries.  We packed up sandwiches, lots of water, sunscreen, and bug spray.  On the hour and a half drive we spent time talking about upcoming events, how we were both doing with things, and what are goals are for the house.  We passed a great looking fruit stand and vowed to stop on the way back (we got a half bushel of the best peaches I have tasted in a long time!). 

The sign that welcomed us to our blueberry picking fun!

After a couple of wrong turns and having to use my husband's blackberry (the irony :), we found the farm.  It was already getting warm but we were there and excited, so with white buckets in hand we hopped on the golf cart and got a ride out to the blueberry bushes.  We learned that the farm had over 60 acres of blueberry plants, they just seemed to go on and on.  Another thing we learned is that there is more than one type of blueberry.  They actually had us try two different kinds and then pick which one we liked the best.  We both liked the tarter kind. 

Here is just a snapshot of the rows and rows of bushes.

Once we had found our row we got down to business.  My husband and I started picking next to each other, but over the course of picking drifted apart, and then back together.  I enjoyed feeling the sun warming my neck and hair, popping warm blueberries in my mouth and feeling them explode with juice, the comfortable conversation my husband and I shared, and especially the sound that the blueberries made when they hit the bottom of the white buckets.  It reminded me of one of my all time favorite children's book, Blueberries for Sal.  If you are not familiar with this book, I would highly recommend it.  I have great memories of my mother reading it to me.

It really is a great book!

After two hours of picking, we finally felt too hot to continue and walked back to the main part of the farm.  While we had been picking my husband kept encouraging me to keep going by saying that we only had 3-4 pounds and we could pick more.  WELL, we ended up with 18 pounds of blueberries!!!!  That is a lot of blueberries.  As my husband said, "We have blueberries coming out of our blueberries!"  We spent all of Sunday freezing most of them, and I made a yummy blueberry cobbler. 

This is only two of three bags we brought back, and one is already missing half of it's berries.

Freezing the berries took a long time because we froze them flat on a cookie sheet and then put them in a container.

Overall it was a very fun experience, mainly because of the great time I got to spend with my husband outside doing something we both enjoyed, and also the blueberries!

The yummy cobbler I made, overloaded with fresh blueberries.

There was only a little bit of crust and lots of warm, gushy blueberries.

Pavlova

Earlier this month I celebrated my birthday.  It was pretty bittersweet this year, but because of the love and support of family and friends it ended up being a lovely day.  Instead of making a cake for dessert, I decided to make a traditional Australian treat called Pavlova.  It is a large base of meringue topped with whipped cream and fruit.  It is really easy to make and so tasty.  I chose to put raspberries and kiwi on top because they are tart and balanced out the sweetness of the cream and meringue.  If you are looking for a light, sweet dessert that is unique and special, I would recommend trying out pavlova.  This is the recipe that I used but cut everything in half as I only needed four servings, not eight.

Focusing on the positive

I have been having a really hard time doing that lately.  I seem to have a doom and gloom kind of attitude that has moved in and doesn't want to leave.  We have had some pretty positive things happen to us in the last couple of weeks, including finding a house we want to buy.  While I feel excited and hopeful about these positive things, I feel a lot of fear and dread that things are just going to turn out badly and be disappointing or too hard to handle.  It is like I can't allow myself to feel happy about something because things have been so sad for so long.  I really dislike this new way that I view life and situations but know that it is a way to protect myself because of what happened with my daughters.  I am in a much better place than I was a couple of months ago, however, this negative, unhealthy mindset has stuck around.

In response to this I am going to list some positive things that are going on right now:
- My husband and I are in the process of buying a really great house
- We are heading up to Missouri in two weeks for a vacation
- I have family and friends that love and support me no matter what
- I am making fish tacos with mango salsa tonight for dinner
- I have a great doctor who has helped me come up with a plan for the future
- I have two cats who really brighten my days
- I have had the time to work on projects and structure the days the way I would like

One of my goals is to use this blog as a place to honestly share my thoughts and feelings and then consciously focus on positive things, with the goal of changing how I view life.

Skirt

In the last year or so I have really started to get into quilting and sewing.  My mom is an avid quilter and has been my whole life.  She set me up with her old machine and the basics (mat, rotary cutter, ruler, scissors, ect.) about a year ago and from then on I have been working on projects in my spare time.  I plan to share projects with you on this blog. 

This post, however, is specifically about a skirt I created recently.  It is the first time I have made a piece of clothing.  I used these instructions from the sewmamasew site to draft my pattern and put the skirt together.  It was a challenge putting the ruffle on the bottom and figuring out how to attach the waist band.  Overall I think it turned out well and is a cool and light summer skirt.  If I did this pattern again I would use a little less fabric in the skirt section.

The fabric I used was Amy Butler's daisy bouquet from her daisy chain line of fabrics for the main body of the skirt and a dark batik for the ruffle and waist band.

I have more fabric to make another skirt, but am thinking about trying this pattern instead.  Here is the fabric.  As of yet I am still undecided.

Update!

Well, after signing the offer paperwork yesterday for the house, we were expecting the current owners to take the weekend to think about it and most likely counter offer.  We even thought the process might take a week.  Boy, were we wrong!  About a half hour after I had posted yesterday, our realtor called letting me know that they had accepted the offer.  WHAT!!!  I was shocked, and then very excited.  Now we have lots more paperwork to straighten out and a home inspection to go through, but if that all goes well we should be in our new house by the beginning of August.  Here is a picture of the front.  I will post more once we actually own the home, but I just couldn't resist sharing it with you.

Holy Cow, We are almost homeowners!!!

Ashley, in answer to your question, yes, we are hoping to settle here for a long while.  It will be so nice to have some stability and true place to create a home together with my husband.  Of course, life always throws in curve balls, but that is our plan for the moment.  And Bethany, you are right, it is a bummer there is no pool.  Hopefully though, you will still come and visit :).

Jumping into the Deep End

When I was little I spent a lot of time at the pool.  One thing I remember distinctly is the decision of how to get in.  You could do a running jump and get the sensation of the cold water rushing over you all at once, or you could slowly creep in from the shallow end letting your body adjust to the water.  While a few times I would jump in if it was really hot or I was pushed encouraged by others, but most of the time I was a shallow end, little bit at a time kind of girl. 

Thinking about it now, I think that it says a lot about who I am and how I approach situations.  I am cautious, careful, and usually over-think decisions and situations.  I am not one to just jump on it without considering all of the alternatives and outcomes that could happen.  This being said, I feel like my husband and I just jumped into the deep end of the pool.  We just put an offer in on a house this morning.  This will be our first house and first experience with the purchasing process.  Today we held hands and took a risk by jumping into home ownership.  Needless to say, we have done our research and feel prepared for this investment, but at the same time it is a leap into the unknown.  Hopefully it will be cool and inviting.

A Little about Me

I have to say that blogging is easier than I anticipated, although I still wonder what I will choose to write about.  It was exciting to see that I have already connected with people who I have heard so much about from Bethany.  I am looking forward to getting to know you through this medium and also expressing myself.  Because of this, my first real post is going to be a little about me and where I have come from to get to this point.

While my family is originally from Missouri, I grew up living all over the country and the world.  These places included Colorado, Texas, California, Australia, Papua New Guinea, Missouri, Germany, and Florida.  While I did not have a typical childhood of growing up in one place and having that continuity, I have had a lot of amazing experiences that I look forward to sharing on this blog.  After finishing high school in California, I went to the University of Missouri and completed a bachelor's of art in international studies.  I also met my husband there.  We have been married for three and a half years.  I am blessed to be with the love of my life.  He is an amazing man that cares deeply about his family and his career.  His job has taken us from Missouri to Florida and now to a medium sized town in Mississippi.  We have two cats that bring us much enjoyment.  I am sure that they will feature on here a lot.

Gus and Boo

                                                               On our wedding day

I am a teacher.  While I am not working right now I am looking forward to getting back into the classroom soon.  I love to cook, do crafty things such as quilt and paint, read, spend time outside, and listen to music.  I have a weakness for bad reality TV and love the food network.  While we lived in Florida we spent a lot of time at the beach.  Now that we have moved to Mississippi we are adjusting to the heat and exploring what new things there are to do here. 

In January I delivered our twin daughters at 21 and 1/2 weeks.  They were too little and were not able to survive.  This has been the hardest thing that my husband and I have had to go through.  While this is not what I want the main focus of this blog to be about, I feel like I have changed as a person and that my perspective on life and faith and relationships has completely shifted.  It effects every day of my life and I will never be the same again.  I have learned so many valuable things through this experience, such as the importance of connecting with other people and being open and honest about my thoughts and feelings.  This is the main reason that I have started this blog and I am looking forward to seeing my continued journey to healing and happiness on it through my journaling and the connections I make with others.  I hope to be able to look towards the positive things happening now and that can happen in the future.

                                                     Wilma Jane and Hannah Grace

I am blogging!

After much deliberation and thought, I have started a blog.  I have been encouraged for a long time, especially by one special friend, Mrs. Haid, who has a really fantastic blog.  I want this to be a place where I can journal the positive things that are going on in my life, because too much of my life lately has been focused on the negative.  I hope it is a way to find balance in my life and also to connect with other people as I continue on this journey.