A time to mourn

A little over a week ago I found out that one of my closest and
dearest friends had a miscarriage. I felt so sad and helpless and
upset about this. It brought back a lot of feelings that I had had
after we lost our daughters, and I also hurt so much for my friend. It
is hard being far away from people you love, especially when they are
going through a difficult time. When I found out that she and her
family were having a memorial for their son, I felt very strongly that
I needed to be there, even though they live in a different state. It
is amazing how everything worked out so smoothly.

I found out about the memorial on last Thursday afternoon. I
immediately called my husband who was out of town and told him about
it and that I would have to leave the next day. He agreed that we
should go but had a meeting on Friday, so it looked like I might drive
up by myself. I then called my husband's parents who live about an
hour away from where the memorial was to be held and found out that
they would be home and able to watch the girls. Next I called a couple
of people who supported my decision and listened as I explained how I
was feeling. I also talked to my friend who assured me it would be ok
if we were not able to make it but would like it if we were. I went to
bed that night before my husband got home, still not sure exactly sure
how I would get up there.

The next morning I woke up and my husband told me he had moved his
meeting so that he could travel with me up to the memorial. We packed
and loaded up into the car in an hour and a half. The drive was long
but extremely smooth. E and C did really great. The slept and played
and hung in there so well. We were able to stop at my husband's
grandmother's house and let the girls crawl around before we finished
the trip and arrived at my husband's parent's house. It was late at
night and the girls were very grumpy but went to bed pretty easily.

The next morning we got up and after breakfast we drove the hour to
where the memorial was being held. We left the girls with their
grandparents. This was such a blessing. I didn't have to worry about
them at all. I knew they were well taken care of and could focus
solely on the memorial. We arrived early and were able to give our
friends big hugs and words of condolence. The memorial was so sad and
meaningful. I was extremely thankful and honored to speak the 23 Psalm
as part of the service. The message that the pastor spoke really
resonated with me. He talked about why horrible things happen. What I
remember most was that he talked about fear and how grief is fear and
God can take you through that and is bigger than that. (The pastor
said it much more eloquently than that) It was really comforting and
hit home for me. I am extremely glad that I was able to be there.

After the service we went back to my friend's house where we had a
meal with her family. We also celebrated their daughter's first
birthday with songs and cupcakes. I enjoyed spending time with my
friend's family. It was such a comfort to all be together to surround
my friend and her family with love and support.

Pregnancy loss is such a horribly difficult thing. I remember feeling
so empty and angry and lost and lonely and like no one understood.
Being able to do something outward to remember and commemorate my
daughters and my friend's son was such a helpful thing through the
memorials that we both did.

On our way home on Sunday we drove through a rain storm which made the
travel more difficult. After we were through most of it the sun came
out from behind the clouds and the most beautiful double rainbow that
I have ever seen appeard in front of us. I really don't have too many
times in my life where I feel like God has sent a sign or spoken to me
directly, but this was one of those times. Rainbows have taken on a
new meaning for me in recent years. My daughters' room has two
beautiful rainbow quilts in it and their birthday was a rainbow
celebration. They are my rainbow after a horrible storm. So looking
at this rainbow on the way home I felt joy and peace and knew it was
confirmation from God that he was there with us and my friend and
would bring joy, beauty, and peace again. There were times after we
lost our first daughters that I felt so dark and helpless, but looking
around two years later I am amazed at C and E and the joy they bring
to our lives. This doesn't deminish the saddness I still feel or the
grief that we go through, but it give me hope to hold onto, and that
is a wonderful thing.

Playing in the kitchen

This morning we needed a distraction, so I pulled out a metal cookie sheet an some measuring spoons. It was a huge hit. E and C enjoyed the different noises the could make by banging and scraping. E them decided she wanted to sit on it and has been there ever since.

Trying something new

Today we went and had lunch with our friends at chick-fil-a to help celebrate their birthday. What fun we had. Charlotte and Emma both tried applesauce that came in a pouch for the first time. It was a hit. I think I will be getting these more often.

Typical

This is a pretty typical picture at our house these days. Pulling up and having something in our mouths. Notice Charlotte's hair. It is my first attempt at a ponytail. Hope you are having a great day.

And we are finished

With nursing, that is.  I have such mixed feelings about this.  Goodbye mastitis, goodbye clogged ducts, goodbye biting, goodbye midnight feedings, goodbye being tied to a chair and boppy pillow.  Those things I will not miss.  I will miss the sweet individual time I had with my daughters.  I will miss the close feeling I had when I nursed them.  I feel like this is just one more step in a long line of things that will lead to their independence.  While that is really wonderful, and one of the goals of being a parent, it also makes me a little sad to see this phase end.  Sometimes all I want is my mother.  I hope that I can raise women that are able to be independent, but also want to continue to have a close relationship with their family, like my mother has raised me. 

Celebrating Easter

We had a very lovely Easter this year.  My husband was home, which was a wonderful treat because he is traveling so much lately.  Saturday we participated (I use that word loosely) in our church's Easter egg hunt.  The girls liked looking at the eggs, taking them out of their baskets, and pulling at the grass.  It was fun to watch all of the bigger kids scramble around filling their baskets.  Sunday we went to church in the morning and then had a nice afternoon together as a family, cooking and working outside.  I am so thankful for the time we had together celebrating this very important holiday.

Here they are looking at the eggs already in their baskets.

Off Emma goes to explore.  I think her hair is really starting to have a reddish hue.

Charlotte loved this neat carrot egg our friend brought for the girls.

Here are their Easter baskets ready and waiting. 

They didn't know what to do with their baskets at first. 

  It didn't take long though to start pulling things out.

My mom made these beautiful dresses for the girls to wear.  They are really wonderful.  Unfortunately, it is getting very hard to get a good picture of both of them together.

Here is a good shot of the back.

Even the Travelocity Roaming Gnome couldn't keep their attention.