A time to mourn

A little over a week ago I found out that one of my closest and
dearest friends had a miscarriage. I felt so sad and helpless and
upset about this. It brought back a lot of feelings that I had had
after we lost our daughters, and I also hurt so much for my friend. It
is hard being far away from people you love, especially when they are
going through a difficult time. When I found out that she and her
family were having a memorial for their son, I felt very strongly that
I needed to be there, even though they live in a different state. It
is amazing how everything worked out so smoothly.

I found out about the memorial on last Thursday afternoon. I
immediately called my husband who was out of town and told him about
it and that I would have to leave the next day. He agreed that we
should go but had a meeting on Friday, so it looked like I might drive
up by myself. I then called my husband's parents who live about an
hour away from where the memorial was to be held and found out that
they would be home and able to watch the girls. Next I called a couple
of people who supported my decision and listened as I explained how I
was feeling. I also talked to my friend who assured me it would be ok
if we were not able to make it but would like it if we were. I went to
bed that night before my husband got home, still not sure exactly sure
how I would get up there.

The next morning I woke up and my husband told me he had moved his
meeting so that he could travel with me up to the memorial. We packed
and loaded up into the car in an hour and a half. The drive was long
but extremely smooth. E and C did really great. The slept and played
and hung in there so well. We were able to stop at my husband's
grandmother's house and let the girls crawl around before we finished
the trip and arrived at my husband's parent's house. It was late at
night and the girls were very grumpy but went to bed pretty easily.

The next morning we got up and after breakfast we drove the hour to
where the memorial was being held. We left the girls with their
grandparents. This was such a blessing. I didn't have to worry about
them at all. I knew they were well taken care of and could focus
solely on the memorial. We arrived early and were able to give our
friends big hugs and words of condolence. The memorial was so sad and
meaningful. I was extremely thankful and honored to speak the 23 Psalm
as part of the service. The message that the pastor spoke really
resonated with me. He talked about why horrible things happen. What I
remember most was that he talked about fear and how grief is fear and
God can take you through that and is bigger than that. (The pastor
said it much more eloquently than that) It was really comforting and
hit home for me. I am extremely glad that I was able to be there.

After the service we went back to my friend's house where we had a
meal with her family. We also celebrated their daughter's first
birthday with songs and cupcakes. I enjoyed spending time with my
friend's family. It was such a comfort to all be together to surround
my friend and her family with love and support.

Pregnancy loss is such a horribly difficult thing. I remember feeling
so empty and angry and lost and lonely and like no one understood.
Being able to do something outward to remember and commemorate my
daughters and my friend's son was such a helpful thing through the
memorials that we both did.

On our way home on Sunday we drove through a rain storm which made the
travel more difficult. After we were through most of it the sun came
out from behind the clouds and the most beautiful double rainbow that
I have ever seen appeard in front of us. I really don't have too many
times in my life where I feel like God has sent a sign or spoken to me
directly, but this was one of those times. Rainbows have taken on a
new meaning for me in recent years. My daughters' room has two
beautiful rainbow quilts in it and their birthday was a rainbow
celebration. They are my rainbow after a horrible storm. So looking
at this rainbow on the way home I felt joy and peace and knew it was
confirmation from God that he was there with us and my friend and
would bring joy, beauty, and peace again. There were times after we
lost our first daughters that I felt so dark and helpless, but looking
around two years later I am amazed at C and E and the joy they bring
to our lives. This doesn't deminish the saddness I still feel or the
grief that we go through, but it give me hope to hold onto, and that
is a wonderful thing.