Remembering Wilma Jane and Hannah Grace Hoemann
Showing posts with label Loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Loss. Show all posts
Monday, January 23, 2012
Reflecting on loss and living
Monday, August 23, 2010
Confession... I have been avoiding my blog
It is true, in the last few weeks I have not been diligent about posting here.
It is not because I am not enjoying blogging, I am. I like the idea of having an outlet to express myself and share what is going on with me to others. I also like the connections that I have been making to others who also blog.
It is not because I don't have a lot to write about, I do. I would like to share about my trip in April to see my parents and go to a wedding in San Francisco, the memorial for my daughters, a disastrous yet fun camping trip, how the settling-in process is going for our house, what projects we would like to do to it, what quilting things that I have been working on lately, a huge decision that my husband and I made last month, and other things that I have floating around in my head.
It is because I have been going through a huge life change and chosen not to write about it on my blog until now.
I am pregnant. With twins. Again.
I think that I have been (and probably still am) in denial about this. Not that I am unhappy about this or don't want it, but that I still can't quite believe it. There are so many mixed emotions involved with pregnancy after loss, and it is very overwhelming. By putting it on my blog, it is helping to make it real. In sharing this with you, I am acknowledging that this is a huge, important thing that is going on in my life, and I need help and support through this. I have thought a lot about whether I want to make a separate blog about this pregnancy, but have decided that I think I am just going to put everything onto this blog. I definitely want to be able to look on the bright side during this and feel like posting about my life, this included, will be a good way to process and de-stress. I will leave with a photo of me from yesterday before church, 10 weeks pregnant.
It is not because I am not enjoying blogging, I am. I like the idea of having an outlet to express myself and share what is going on with me to others. I also like the connections that I have been making to others who also blog.
It is not because I don't have a lot to write about, I do. I would like to share about my trip in April to see my parents and go to a wedding in San Francisco, the memorial for my daughters, a disastrous yet fun camping trip, how the settling-in process is going for our house, what projects we would like to do to it, what quilting things that I have been working on lately, a huge decision that my husband and I made last month, and other things that I have floating around in my head.
It is because I have been going through a huge life change and chosen not to write about it on my blog until now.
I am pregnant. With twins. Again.
I think that I have been (and probably still am) in denial about this. Not that I am unhappy about this or don't want it, but that I still can't quite believe it. There are so many mixed emotions involved with pregnancy after loss, and it is very overwhelming. By putting it on my blog, it is helping to make it real. In sharing this with you, I am acknowledging that this is a huge, important thing that is going on in my life, and I need help and support through this. I have thought a lot about whether I want to make a separate blog about this pregnancy, but have decided that I think I am just going to put everything onto this blog. I definitely want to be able to look on the bright side during this and feel like posting about my life, this included, will be a good way to process and de-stress. I will leave with a photo of me from yesterday before church, 10 weeks pregnant.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
What Do You Say?
What do you say to honor daughters that left too soon? What do you say to let others know how you are doing? What do you say to commemorate lives you loved but never knew as people?
Here is what I chose to say at the memorial we had for our twin daughters a couple Saturdays ago. It was really something I felt like I needed to say and to share with others. I described it to one friend as like ripping a band-aid off. Painful but very necessary for healing.
First I would like to thank you for coming to honor and remember our daughters. It means so much to use to have you here, and your support has really helped us to get through this hard time. I can see that our daughters are remembered and loved.
This has been such a hard thing to go through. I think one reason it is so difficult is because there are so many dreams, hopes, and expectations that we will never see come to light. We will never get to tuck them in at night, read them stories, enjoy their jokes, or get to see them become women. However, through the privilege of being able to care for them for five and a half months, and the time that followed, they have taught me so much that has helped me become a better person and forever changed me.
They taught me the importance of the relationships that I have with people, and that by sharing and communicating the truth of what I am feeling and the situation, I will have stronger relationships. I feel like I have been able to connect on a deeper level with people. My daughters also taught me the importance of choosing to do what is best, not always what is easiest. It might feel easiest to just pretend this never happened or stay holed up in our apartment not facing the world, but these are not the best or healthiest choices. I have a strength that I have never known before, and it is because of my daughters.
They have also shown me the importance of loving and appreciating what is here right now. We were only able to know them for five and a half months in this world, and I spent a fair amount of that time worried for their safety. My worrying did not change the outcome, but I could have spent that time just in the moment. I plan to work on trying to do that more and worry less.
Finally, they helped me to deepen my faith and relationship with God. While I will never understand why this happened and always feel sadness and grief towards this loss, I have found myself leaning not on my own strengths, but that of God, and trusting in his plan for me in a way I never have before.
I really wanted to share with you how my daughters have touched and changed my life in meaningful ways. While I will never forget and always miss them, I hope that because of my daughters and this experience, I can become a better wife, friend, family member, and mother, and that I will be able to support and encourage others the way I have been by those around me. Thank you so much again for being here today to honor and remember our daughters.
I will share more about the memorial in another post. It was a really meaningful time to spend with family and friends. I know that it has helped in my healing process.
Here is what I chose to say at the memorial we had for our twin daughters a couple Saturdays ago. It was really something I felt like I needed to say and to share with others. I described it to one friend as like ripping a band-aid off. Painful but very necessary for healing.
First I would like to thank you for coming to honor and remember our daughters. It means so much to use to have you here, and your support has really helped us to get through this hard time. I can see that our daughters are remembered and loved.
This has been such a hard thing to go through. I think one reason it is so difficult is because there are so many dreams, hopes, and expectations that we will never see come to light. We will never get to tuck them in at night, read them stories, enjoy their jokes, or get to see them become women. However, through the privilege of being able to care for them for five and a half months, and the time that followed, they have taught me so much that has helped me become a better person and forever changed me.
They taught me the importance of the relationships that I have with people, and that by sharing and communicating the truth of what I am feeling and the situation, I will have stronger relationships. I feel like I have been able to connect on a deeper level with people. My daughters also taught me the importance of choosing to do what is best, not always what is easiest. It might feel easiest to just pretend this never happened or stay holed up in our apartment not facing the world, but these are not the best or healthiest choices. I have a strength that I have never known before, and it is because of my daughters.
They have also shown me the importance of loving and appreciating what is here right now. We were only able to know them for five and a half months in this world, and I spent a fair amount of that time worried for their safety. My worrying did not change the outcome, but I could have spent that time just in the moment. I plan to work on trying to do that more and worry less.
Finally, they helped me to deepen my faith and relationship with God. While I will never understand why this happened and always feel sadness and grief towards this loss, I have found myself leaning not on my own strengths, but that of God, and trusting in his plan for me in a way I never have before.
I really wanted to share with you how my daughters have touched and changed my life in meaningful ways. While I will never forget and always miss them, I hope that because of my daughters and this experience, I can become a better wife, friend, family member, and mother, and that I will be able to support and encourage others the way I have been by those around me. Thank you so much again for being here today to honor and remember our daughters.
I will share more about the memorial in another post. It was a really meaningful time to spend with family and friends. I know that it has helped in my healing process.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Dear June
Dear June,
What a month you have been! You have always been my favorite month of the year, what with being the first month of summer and my birth month, but this month has been filled with many changes and emotions. I think that I have felt every emotion possible with all of the things that have happened.
You began with the girls' due date and a reminder of everything I have lost. Then came my birthday three days later. That was a sweet day full of love and friendship. Next came the ups and downs of looking for a house, finding one much sooner than we thought, putting in an offer, and finally the prospect of truly being homeowners. I also found out that I have the possibility of employment in the fall. I will write more about this when it is for sure, but just the possibility has brought both excitement for being able to start my career and anxiety of if I am prepared and can actually be successful.
Throughout this month I have been planning and organizing a memorial for my daughters that we are having in July. That has been hard, but I feel peace in knowing that it is the right thing to do. Finally, you are leaving me with much sadness and fear as my husband's grandfather had a stroke yesterday.
June, as much as I usually like you, I am not sad to see you go this year. You did bring good things like our house and a possible job opportunity, but also much sadness, fear, and anxiety. So, I am not too sad in saying "See you next year June!"
- Ann
What a month you have been! You have always been my favorite month of the year, what with being the first month of summer and my birth month, but this month has been filled with many changes and emotions. I think that I have felt every emotion possible with all of the things that have happened.
You began with the girls' due date and a reminder of everything I have lost. Then came my birthday three days later. That was a sweet day full of love and friendship. Next came the ups and downs of looking for a house, finding one much sooner than we thought, putting in an offer, and finally the prospect of truly being homeowners. I also found out that I have the possibility of employment in the fall. I will write more about this when it is for sure, but just the possibility has brought both excitement for being able to start my career and anxiety of if I am prepared and can actually be successful.
Throughout this month I have been planning and organizing a memorial for my daughters that we are having in July. That has been hard, but I feel peace in knowing that it is the right thing to do. Finally, you are leaving me with much sadness and fear as my husband's grandfather had a stroke yesterday.
June, as much as I usually like you, I am not sad to see you go this year. You did bring good things like our house and a possible job opportunity, but also much sadness, fear, and anxiety. So, I am not too sad in saying "See you next year June!"
- Ann
Thursday, June 17, 2010
A Little about Me
I have to say that blogging is easier than I anticipated, although I still wonder what I will choose to write about. It was exciting to see that I have already connected with people who I have heard so much about from Bethany. I am looking forward to getting to know you through this medium and also expressing myself. Because of this, my first real post is going to be a little about me and where I have come from to get to this point.
While my family is originally from Missouri, I grew up living all over the country and the world. These places included Colorado, Texas, California, Australia, Papua New Guinea, Missouri, Germany, and Florida. While I did not have a typical childhood of growing up in one place and having that continuity, I have had a lot of amazing experiences that I look forward to sharing on this blog. After finishing high school in California, I went to the University of Missouri and completed a bachelor's of art in international studies. I also met my husband there. We have been married for three and a half years. I am blessed to be with the love of my life. He is an amazing man that cares deeply about his family and his career. His job has taken us from Missouri to Florida and now to a medium sized town in Mississippi. We have two cats that bring us much enjoyment. I am sure that they will feature on here a lot.
Gus and Boo
I am a teacher. While I am not working right now I am looking forward to getting back into the classroom soon. I love to cook, do crafty things such as quilt and paint, read, spend time outside, and listen to music. I have a weakness for bad reality TV and love the food network. While we lived in Florida we spent a lot of time at the beach. Now that we have moved to Mississippi we are adjusting to the heat and exploring what new things there are to do here.
In January I delivered our twin daughters at 21 and 1/2 weeks. They were too little and were not able to survive. This has been the hardest thing that my husband and I have had to go through. While this is not what I want the main focus of this blog to be about, I feel like I have changed as a person and that my perspective on life and faith and relationships has completely shifted. It effects every day of my life and I will never be the same again. I have learned so many valuable things through this experience, such as the importance of connecting with other people and being open and honest about my thoughts and feelings. This is the main reason that I have started this blog and I am looking forward to seeing my continued journey to healing and happiness on it through my journaling and the connections I make with others. I hope to be able to look towards the positive things happening now and that can happen in the future.
Wilma Jane and Hannah Grace
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