Reflecting on loss and living

Two years ago today I delivered our first two daughters into the world at 21 weeks gestation.  I have been thinking about what I would do today to commemorate those precious girls that we lost.  I bought myself some tulips and plan to hang up a cross stitch someone made for us with their names and birth dates.  I still have an ache in my heart for those babies and what we lost.  Thinking about that day brings back pain and sorrow, but I now also have wonder and gratitude as I think about the time that has followed that day.  I will never understand why we had to lose them, but I do know that their lives were not in vain.  I know that I am changed by them, and look at life differently.  I am more conscious of appreciating where we are right now, and trying (sometimes not always succeeding, especially when I am up in the middle of the night) to live in the moment.  Emma and Charlotte will be in turn touched by them as well.  I have felt more acutely the connection of living and dieing.  How precious life is, and how it can be gone so quickly.   

Remembering Wilma Jane and Hannah Grace Hoemann

Attempting Something New

Since having twins I feel like I have had to learn how to do a lot of things all over again, taking into account two very small children.  There are instances everyday where I am trying something new or figuring out the best way to tackle something.

This weekend my husband and I had the opportunity to eat out with the girls.  This was the first time we had done this, just the four of us, since the girls were born.  I have to admit that I was nervous, but also tried to be as prepared as possible.  We made sure to go at a time when they would be awake and hungry.  I packed bibs, spoons, food, wipes, and sippy cups in the diaper bag, as well as the normal assortment of diapers.  The girls did great.  They were so distracted by all of the different people to look at that they didn't get much eating done, but it kept them very entertained. Both my husband and I were able to order and eat our food, although we did take turns trying to feed them.  We did make a mess and were loud with lots of happy noises, but there were no huge meltdowns.

It is very encouraging to have such a great family outing.  I am looking forward to the next time that we are able to go out together.

Charlotte having fun banging on the table.

Emma was too distracted to eat very much.

A Fun Project

This fall I joined our local Mother of Preschoolers group (affectionately called MOPS).  It has been a great way for me to get out of the house, be with other moms, and have a little bit of me time.  At our last meeting we did a really fun craft, Turkey Hand Print Shirts.  I was really impressed at the work and organization that went into helping 30 plus moms applique hand prints onto shirts.  Everyone's turned out great.  I ended up not being able to finish mine before I had to go pick up the girls, so I finished mine at home.  Once I started working on sewing the hand prints on, I felt like they really wanted to be angels and not turkeys, so I turned mine into angels with just a little embroidery floss and a few stitches.  Very fitting for my miracle babies.  I will use this technique again for decorating shirts and other items, it was surprisingly easy.

Eight Months Old!

My sweet babies are eight months old today.

Here they are ready for bed tonight.  I love these jammies!

Both girls are very busy these days.  They are eating three meals a day that consist of a variety of veggies, fruit, meat, cereal and yogurt.  They eat finger food at least once a day and love cherrios, puffs, crackers, frozen peas, and banana.  They nurse four times a day still.  We are down to two naps a day but have an early bed time.  They are still up a couple of times a night to nurse.  Both girls are sitting up very well.  They enjoy playing with toys, especially banging, shaking, and chewing on things.  We try to get out of the house at least once a day and the girls enjoy being outside and with other people.

Charlotte is rolling all over the place.  Last week she found the fire place.  She is able to turn easily on her stomach as well and likes to roll to toys.  No pulling up or crawling yet.

Emma has been a bit more resistant to moving.  In the last month she has starting rolling over consistently and just in the last couple of days she has started scooting backwards.  Today she had scooted herself into this corner, and was not happy about it.

Emma Nicole Hoemann, eight months old.

Charlotte Beth Hoemann, eight months old.

A Surprise about Parenting

I knew that parenting would be challenging.  I had thought about all of the care I would have to give my daughters, the discipline I would have to enforce, and the lack of sleep I would get.  What I did not anticipate was the fact that parenting would push me to be a better person, and really examine my actions.  I have had two different instances in the last week where I found myself having to chose between what would be easy and what was right.  Both times I considered what example I want to set for my daughters, how I want them to see me and my actions.  I thought that in being a parent I would be shaping and helping my daughters grow, I never anticipated that I would grown and be shaped by them!

My Little Inspirations

Holding Hands

Today while I was feeding the girls a mix of peas and green beans, they started grabbing and holding hands. It was really sweet. I love these moments that the girls share together.  It is fun to see how their relationship is growing and developing.

Little Reminders

Yesterday I was moving through the house picking up various clutter when I really took a moment to think about and notice how our house and lives have changed in the last few months.  There are little reminders all around me.

Two pairs of shoes on the stairs.

Two little tooth brushes in the bathroom.

Bibs ready for meal time.

I am so truly thankful that I am surrounded by these little reminders.  I have been working to appreciate the here and now, and I was able to do that yesterday.  It sunk in a little bit more how incredible the journey to this point has been.  

I haven't wanted to whine

It has been a while since my last post, mainly because I was afraid that all I would do is whine, which is not the intention of my blog, or really what I imagine anyone wants to read.  I will leave it at the fact that being almost 36 weeks pregnant with twins can be pretty uncomfortable.  I won't go into the details, but really, no one tells you that every joint in your body will start to ache.  But we have made it to almost 36 weeks, how amazing!  What a journey to get here, I really didn't know for a long time if it was even possible.

The babies are doing great.  We are now in the throws of birth plans and figuring out how all of this is going to work.  My doctor is going to take out the stitches that he put in so long ago on the 28th of February, just 10 days away!  I think that he is pretty sure I will go into labor then, but it could take a few days.  I feel nervous and apprehensive and scared, but also excited and ready for these girls to make their arrival.  We are continuing to get prepared, organizing the house and getting errands out the way so we don't have to worry about them later.  I think both my husband and I feel a little shocked that the time is finally arriving and wonder about how our lives will change and what we have gotten ourselves into.  Thank goodness we have each other, as well as the support of our families.

I promise that I will do better about keeping things updated and try to get info on here as soon as I can about their arrival.  Look for baby pictures in the next couple of weeks, how exciting!

What Do You Say?

What do you say to honor daughters that left too soon?  What do you say to let others know how you are doing?  What do you say to commemorate lives you loved but never knew as people?

Here is what I chose to say at the memorial we had for our twin daughters a couple Saturdays ago.  It was really something I felt like I needed to say and to share with others.  I described it to one friend as like ripping a band-aid off.  Painful but very necessary for healing.

 First I would like to thank you for coming to honor and remember our daughters.  It means so much to use to have you here, and your support has really helped us to get through this hard time.  I can see that our daughters are remembered and loved. 

This has been such a hard thing to go through.  I think one reason it is so difficult is because there are so many dreams, hopes, and expectations that we will never see come to light.  We will never get to tuck them in at night, read them stories, enjoy their jokes, or get to see them become women.  However, through the privilege of being able to care for them for five and a half months, and the time that followed, they have taught me so much that has helped me become a better person and forever changed me. 

They taught me the importance of the relationships that I have with people, and that by sharing and communicating the truth of what I am feeling and the situation, I will have stronger relationships.  I feel like I have been able to connect on a deeper level with people.  My daughters also taught me the importance of choosing to do what is best, not always what is easiest.  It might feel easiest to just pretend this never happened or stay holed up in our apartment not facing the world, but these are not the best or healthiest choices.  I have a strength that I have never known before, and it is because of my daughters. 

They have also shown me the importance of loving and appreciating what is here right now.  We were only able to know them for five and a half months in this world, and I spent a fair amount of that time worried for their safety.  My worrying did not change the outcome, but I could have spent that time just in the moment.  I plan to work on trying to do that more and worry less. 

Finally, they helped me to deepen my faith and relationship with God.  While I will never understand why this happened and always feel sadness and grief towards this loss, I have found myself leaning not on my own strengths, but that of God, and trusting in his plan for me in a way I never have before. 

I really wanted to share with you how my daughters have touched and changed my life in meaningful ways.  While I will never forget and always miss them, I hope that because of my daughters and this experience, I can become a better wife, friend, family member, and mother, and that I will be able to support and encourage others the way I have been by those around me.  Thank you so much again for being here today to honor and remember our daughters.

 I will share more about the memorial in another post.  It was a really meaningful time to spend with family and friends.  I know that it has helped in my healing process.

Whew!

Well, after an unexpectedly extended vacation, I am finally back and able to blog.  I have so many things to write about, it is almost overwhelming.  In the last week and a half we have had so many experiences, both happy and sad.  To give you a short run down:

• We started our vacation visiting my husband's grandfather in the hospital
• We spent the fourth of July with my husband's family and enjoy some time with his nieces and great fire works
• We went camping and floating with my parents and some very good friends
• We had a rain disaster with our tent flooding
• We had the memorial for our daughters
• My husband's Grandfather passed away so we stayed in Missouri for the visitation and funeral
• I unofficially started my new job today by going and getting books and seeing my classroom

So Whew!  We have been super busy and now I have lots to write about, as well as much catching up to do on others blogs.  Look for many posts coming soon. 

A Little about Me

I have to say that blogging is easier than I anticipated, although I still wonder what I will choose to write about.  It was exciting to see that I have already connected with people who I have heard so much about from Bethany.  I am looking forward to getting to know you through this medium and also expressing myself.  Because of this, my first real post is going to be a little about me and where I have come from to get to this point.

While my family is originally from Missouri, I grew up living all over the country and the world.  These places included Colorado, Texas, California, Australia, Papua New Guinea, Missouri, Germany, and Florida.  While I did not have a typical childhood of growing up in one place and having that continuity, I have had a lot of amazing experiences that I look forward to sharing on this blog.  After finishing high school in California, I went to the University of Missouri and completed a bachelor's of art in international studies.  I also met my husband there.  We have been married for three and a half years.  I am blessed to be with the love of my life.  He is an amazing man that cares deeply about his family and his career.  His job has taken us from Missouri to Florida and now to a medium sized town in Mississippi.  We have two cats that bring us much enjoyment.  I am sure that they will feature on here a lot.

Gus and Boo

                                                               On our wedding day

I am a teacher.  While I am not working right now I am looking forward to getting back into the classroom soon.  I love to cook, do crafty things such as quilt and paint, read, spend time outside, and listen to music.  I have a weakness for bad reality TV and love the food network.  While we lived in Florida we spent a lot of time at the beach.  Now that we have moved to Mississippi we are adjusting to the heat and exploring what new things there are to do here. 

In January I delivered our twin daughters at 21 and 1/2 weeks.  They were too little and were not able to survive.  This has been the hardest thing that my husband and I have had to go through.  While this is not what I want the main focus of this blog to be about, I feel like I have changed as a person and that my perspective on life and faith and relationships has completely shifted.  It effects every day of my life and I will never be the same again.  I have learned so many valuable things through this experience, such as the importance of connecting with other people and being open and honest about my thoughts and feelings.  This is the main reason that I have started this blog and I am looking forward to seeing my continued journey to healing and happiness on it through my journaling and the connections I make with others.  I hope to be able to look towards the positive things happening now and that can happen in the future.

                                                     Wilma Jane and Hannah Grace